I wouldn't say that. I know I'm bad at conversation, and I'm always mildly awed when I see e.g. my parents striking up a half-hour long conversation with random strangers in trains. I still have no idea how they do it, and I don't see many people in my age range (20-30) able to do the same.
The trick is to know a little about everything, which can be acquired by:
* Reading from a variety of sources (HN does provide a lot of this, click on more than just the tech articles).
* People in our age group seem to have more interest in being heard than interest in listening. Don't do that. Ask questions (which is in itself a good way to hold a conversation), even about things you wouldn't think you would be interested in.
* Learn to at least listen to opinions that differ from your own. Big bonus if you can dedicate energy to contemplating those opinions.
In addition:
* Nobody wants to hear about Game of Thrones or the latest computer game that you play. Entertainment media rarely makes for good conversation unless you share the specific entertainment piece in question (mostly sport); however, you are doing little for your future conversation ability by participating in an echo chamber.
* If you screw up people will probably forget about you, not remember you as an idiot. Don't be scared to practice on strangers.
* Keep your bloody phone in your pocket and ignore it.
Knowing a little about everything is helpful. But being interested in what you can learn from others is even more helpful! Get other people talking, and just encourage and steer them so you get value from it.
When people complain about uninteresting conversations, they often mean, "I wish that other dude would shut up so I could talk about the stuff I like!" They're not listening. If they were listening and interacting with what the other person has to say, they wouldn't be bored and frustrated.
I find the people who interest me the most are those whose view differs from others but is well thought out.
If everyone listened but did not talk, the world would be a boring place.
I'm a fringe dweller at HN. Someone mentioned relevant conversation and that's very true. I find some great things on HN that make me think. I used to frequent Ars Technica, but it became too sexist, so I now frequent a variety of non-mainstream sites for varying views of the world.
I'm lucky enough to have very interesting and diverse friends off the Internet.
Thank you for writing this. I use to be good and patient listener, yet at one point it is like a switch and now I am very impatient and even though I am aware I am doing it, I still can't wait to tell you :) what I think. Anyhow, thanks for writing it out.
That's not the only trick, but it does help. A much more important factor is the openness/candidness with which you present yourself, and the amount of perceived empathy & compassion you have for the person you're engaging with. A one sided conversation is not a conversation at all.
Age is a big part of this. Your parents are competing in a very different social landscape than people in the 20-30 range are.
People in their 20's are engaged primarily in mate selection an career building. Those are very focused and somewhat desperate endeavours, where random conversations with strangers are high risk and low payoff, particularly when talking with people in your own age group who are likely to want something from you, just as you are likely to want something from them. It's like being at one of those networking events where everyone is there to make connections that can help them but aren't able to offer much in return: an unpleasant waste of time.
Older people are much more pro-social. Their investment in their offspring will be enhanced by a more friendly, connected world, and they can afford to indulge themselves in random social connections. Human society is fundamentally kept intact by grandparents. The reason we have these ridiculously long lives is most likely because troops of early humans who had more grandparents around were better at transmitting culture to new generations.
I'm putting this in brutally evolutionary terms, and there is obviously much more to the story, but the evolutionary forces are always there, under the surface, and we can't just wish them away (however much we might like to.)
Probably because it's a just-so story not based on reality. Building a career and finding a mate surely must be more influenced by the breadth of your social network than is your ability to help your children and grandchildren. Think about how many people you know who have gotten jobs or met their significant others through friends or acquaintances. I think anyone who sees interactions with strangers as adversarial should take a closer look at why their own stance is so suspicious. Getting to know new people definitely isn't easy, but it's incredibly rewarding in itself and opens so many doors.
I said it was a fantastic insight. I didn't say it was right. :)
Actually, I think you're both right. The idea that young adults should be suspicious and selfish is limiting and wrong. But the idea that older adults have different motivations socially is spot-on. In part, even the introverts and misanthropes have learned to value just talking to people, eventually.
The biggest trick is to find someone who would like to have a conversation (most people would rather not). The most important sign here is eye contact and whether they're actively observing their surroundings as opposed to reading a book, talking with friends, staring into nothing. Then you have a good chance if you use an icebreaker, e.g. talk about things they have on them. (A monosyllable answer and avoiding body language means they do not want to talk, find someone else.)
Some people won't shut up at all, especially older ones. If you want to hear interesting things you might have to steer the conversation a little, so eg you can hear about how the city used to be in the past as opposed to how their doctor's visit this morning went. However, the most important part is to find the ones that want to talk and broadcast the same intent. (There is better luck when it's not just people going to/from work, those usually want to be left alone.)
