Oh, God, thank you! I've been hunting and hunting for something to replace CruiseControl. I had no idea this existed. Is there an easy way to turn this into a CI?

You mean get it working with a CI server? If so, yes it can from what I've read.

I think it works with AppVeyor and Team City: http://cakebuild.net/dsl/build-system

Note: I've never used Cake myself, but have seen it recommended alongside Fake.